| Here is a man who wants to get right down to it.... |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|01:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none - she is sleeping next to me | ] |
I just thought everything is fine ... well its just... nothing of the things happened in the past days ... until today...
what does he have ? does he look better then me ? does he love her more then me ... she always says that they are just good friends ... my feeling tells me that there is anything more...
today we met him ... she was mostly looking at him ... in a way she only did to me ... but never as long as she did when we met him today... she was also forgeting me... it was like sitting there looking at 2 loving people who aren't allowed to love each other... just good friends ... she knows that he loves her but she says... no we are just good friends...
Well i guess i really got to think about many things... what would happen if i wasn't there ... i mean i was already feeling like air... so if i am not even air next to them ... i dont want her to meet him again ...
it was really hard for me ... i even talked to someone about that and she said it was good, the way i acted at this moment. hope she's right !
anyway i can't sleep... and i dont know if i shouldnt go home, even if theres no underground driving anymore... |
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| Well it's time for some more Entries I guess |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|08:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Timo Rautiainen - Juoksevan Veden Aika | ] |
Hi all visitors who like to read what i write. so no one then :-)
well there are some things i could write now but lets just aay: i had some nice days with my gf and now i am sitting here alone. she wants to be alone, because she feels not good .... its not because of me but she doesnt want to see me ? i guess i ll never completely understand this.
Lets say everything is fine- well if its not ... it wont change anything ... like she always tells me: think positiv .... well if somethings going wrong it going wrong in a positiv way :-)
anyhow i am going to change some things so time is short
adieu |
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| The ar gon |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|01:19 pm] |
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I just killed my friends ..... time to buy me new friends |
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| Am I dead yet ? |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|04:55 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
My Emotions are overwhelming me. I need a break of life. But I can't. I am down on my knees. The last thing I am waiting on is my coup de grâce. |
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| Good morning Vienna! |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|09:25 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
*yawn* Juswt woke up and i am anyhow happy a little bit. i dont know how cause theres no real reason for it ? Hmmm what shall i do now ? maybe i get me some DVD from my father to watch at but then id need to get the 1 dvd from my gf to give him back, so i can lend myself some new ones. Hmpf she said she didnt want me to see today... so i have to wait until she wakes up and starts her pc so i can see she is awake... what could i do in the meantime ? hmmpf |
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| Here I am, this is me ... |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|12:56 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Black Label Society - In This River | ] |
Long time no write! indeed it was some nice time i had - with my girlfriend. i could write down now what happened but it would be too long. just in short i ended it, and we started again. i think she really loves me and it feels good. i hope this feeling is right, else it would break my neck. In the end i can say we had 4 nice days .... or was it 5 ... i am too stupid to to count :-). And now i feel sad. She wants me not to visit her tomorrow because she wants some kind of "break" for one day. She wants to relax and having a day doing nothing at all. She doenst want to see me tomorrow. I was sad and even more wondering about this fact. I think her love to me is fading a little bit, not thinking its because of this "1 day break".
Maybe only i feel like that and i am wrong but she isn't kissing me as often as she did short time ago ? Today Alexa, Peter and me went to BK and we had some sort of dinner. I was the last one to get my food, but as they got theirs they didnt wait for me. Peter got his and waited for us, she got hers and just went away with peter, knowing how jealous i am...
i hate to be me |
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| It's me... again... |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|02:34 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gorefest - Confessions Of A Serial Killer | ] |
I started writing in here, because i thought it would help me to manage my problems or at least to see if i make mistakes by reading this after i wrote it. Now i see that theres no sense at all writing this. i m down on my knees and there will be no cure. you won't be able to cure poison while the poisoned weapon is still stuck into you.
Lets call it stupid but i still love her. this wouldnt be any problem but, not at all cost. First we hat this problem solved today by speaking to each other. everything went fine and we decided to meet with some friends of her. well its always: "of her". we meet her friends, go to pubs she wants where "her" people are, and so on. so i am just stopping my life while trying to get into hers. she loves me ? well at least she tells me but its hard for me to believe. today was the worst day alltime long this relationship lasts. i suffered watching her getting drunk over hours. you'd ask my now why i suffered, and indeed it doesnt sound that bad. i try to explain my thoughts in here:
she told me, that she wants to start going to school again. there will be the first problem --> she wont be able to finish this because she has to be at school while shed usually would be in her favorite pub. i hope shell manage to concentrate at school.
the next problem is: how can i say without letting it sound to bad, but i think she is really addicted to alchol. she only asks me if this matters to me, and i try to avoid an answer.
on thing i decided today for sure: i ll never go out with her if she drinks alcohol.
well this evening was quite ok, but when we started to change location i saw how drunk she really was. as i recogniced this, i decided to stay with her and not to drive home as i planned. On the way to the new location (with some other friend) my gf and a friend of her decided to continue drinking. well she wasn't good on her feet but she just continued. as this bottle wouldnt be allowed to take with in this other location, they just stayed out and told me to go with the others. does she like alcohol more than me ? but ok i even tried to stay cool even now. sitting in this other local, friends of her asked my why i didn't go home now, because they didnt recognize that some of "us" just stayed outside to empty this bottle. then i answered that they ll be right here in short. i guess i made myself a clown in this minute. then someone told me to help her work her problem out, solve it, he was able to when his girlfriend helped him. hmmm ... am i strong enough ... i would like to help her but i have no idea! she doesnt even want my help. sometimes i really think that she doesn't really loves me, i am just someone for her to bring her home or to have someone behind her who protects her. i want to be with her and have some sparetime only with her, but not going out to somewhere. i asked her several times now if we could play some guitar pieces together. well until now there was no real idea of doing this. shes just to busy to go out and meet her friends. i guess she is to busy for me. id love to stay with her but i dont think that i ll be able to manage this. she tore myself into two pieces -> #1 loves her and would do anything #2 loves her but sees that it would be better if its ended...
maybe i ll give her the URL to read this page by herself. i didn't plan to give it to her as i started writing this... anyhow i will loose ... if #1 wins -> #2 looses else #2 wins -> #1 looses
one more thing is that i changed my profile on another website. before we were together she watched it every day...... now there is a message for her and she doenst look at it.
anyhow to story didn't end here
after some time she came in, sat down and nearly fall asleep .... or something like that .... then she said she wants to go home .... she didnt say lets go home only that she goes home .... she didnt know that i was only here anymore because of her ..... then she started to go ..... away from me and all the others ... direction: ??? home ??? i was really angry and just went after her ... i just saw black and didnt even say good bye to "her" people. as i wasnt able to find her i phoned her and we managed to find each other. i took her home and yeah .... she wanted to alone. well as i asked her if she wants me to leave she said no but she also said she wants to be alone. well next time you need a taxi ..... call me ! |
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| Everything seems alright ? |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|12:41 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | jealous | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer | ] |
Talking to her in skype after she came home was really nice. No problems at all, and we're sorry for each other. Will this be enough ? You may think so, but i don't. I think its just giving us some more time, but we really need to speak to each other about things happened. And I'm still jealous about these guys i wrote an entry before. I hope it will change and that I'll be able to built confidence in her. We will meet tomorrow, let's see what will happen. Well she just said goodbye and so will I.
I wish myself good luck, and that I'll do whatever is the right thing. |
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| 1st Entry |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Vienna | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gregorian - Moment Of Peace | ] |
Well this is the first time ever, i write in some kind of diary. I considered it could be helpful for me to write my thoughts down to this, cause sometimes I need someone to talk to, but I am on my own.
Anyhow I started this, because i had two bad days. The problem is: serious trouble with my girlfriend. Well you'd say this is just usual, and everyone has troubles sometimes in their relationship, but we know each other just for 2 weeks and then I really had the thought that there's something wrong. I even not now know if there is anything wrong or am I just paranoid. The only thing I can say for sure is that I really love her. You can say I am stupid to believe in love at first sight, but well ... thats how it went. First time I saw her, it was like .... WOW!!
Well here she is:
I guess everyone can tell she's a beauty.
Nevertheless I'm jaundiced. But shouldn't I ? There are a lot of guys talking to her, and even more who already confessed that they'd love her ! She always says that she only loves me and that theres no sense at all of being jaundiced. Doesn't she see what she means to me ? I'd rather turn to dust before loosing her !
I thought it would be good talking to her and tell her what I didn't like the past few days. She wasn't talking that much, but.... I didn't mean to offend her...
This all happened in the premise called Rock Theater. After talking to her I went home. The next two days were two of the hardest I'd ever thought to have. I was ill, and my girlfriend was far away, because she went to their relatives on the countryside. Right as I started writing this she came back, and I'm really happy about that, nevertheless she isn't talking to me like we did all the time before. I am scared of thinking she would like to break up with me...
I know my English is bad, but I'm trying as hard as I can, to avoid mistakes. |
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